you know what's really cool?

when someone calls you and starts serenading you with james ingram songs.

i am such a sucker.

it's wedding weekend.

holy shit.

2 motherfuckindays.

oh, and i am planning on taking a little trip. where? hmm...only one other person knows. i'll let you know.

maybe.

it seem's to me that maybe
it pretty much always means no
so don't tell me you might just let it go
and often time we're lazy
it seems to stand in my way

jack johnson is my new love. this is the best shit i have heard in a long time.

word.

i really need to stop saying word.

for real, yo.

this makes me mad.

why? because i hate the fact that i got SO into john mayer right in time for his big teenybopper phase. whatever, john...if you read this, i liked you better before you had 15 year old fans.

word.

i could not fall asleep last night. i'm going to be completely worthless today.

maybe she thinks i know something
maybe maybe she thinks it's fine...

no alarms and no surprises...silence...

right when things were looking up, i just got a very very depressing call from my dad.

i will spare you the details.

cute boy just walked by my desk for the 3rd time today. keep in mind he was already AT my desk once to tell me what size polo shirt he wanted.

i am SO boy crazy its insane.

you know what's incredibly sad?

when you are emailing one person from TWO seperate email accounts.

yo, inspectah - we need help.

all the sudden i feel like i am in 8th grade again.

or whatever grade it was when, "crush on you", by the JET's came out.

you musta heard it from my best friend
she's always talking when she should be listenin

yup, just call me captain obvious.

i hate looking at pictures of myself. some people have this obsession with pictures. i do not. i'm sure it's all some psychological thing that has to do with my weight. or something.

regardless, i was told to check out a site. THIS is what i found. now you tell me...is that what i look like? NO. or i'd like to think not.

the most annoying thing of the week?

walking past abercrombie and fitch last night and hearing john mayer bumping off their stereo.

now that i think about it, it's really not the most annoying thing of the week. just lame. TOTALLY lame.

my life in in all sorts of shambles right now. swamped at work, the wedding, family issues, boy issues. the drama never ends. someone once told me that i tend to bring more drama to my life then i really need to. it's times like these where that is completely evident.

i'm totally jaded.

the fax machine and i are about to have it out.

i just yelled at it. godamnitpieceofshitlaserfax.

next? kicking.

someone just said i was shy.

ME? MOI? i have to laugh at that. i am SO not shy.

hmm..reminds me of a little song. damn, i'm on a lyric kick today.

and you'll stop me, won't you
if you've heard this one before
the one where i surprise you
by showing up at your front door
saying 'let's not ask what's next,
or how, or why'
i am leaving in the morning
so let's not be shy

gotta love ani.

i have heard this song a hundred times. listened to it on repeat; over and over. when i heard it today, the lyrics hit me harder than they have in the past.


I'm not afraid
Of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard

I'm just trying to find
A decent melody
A song that I can sing
In my own company

I never thought you were a fool
But darling look at you
You gotta stand up straight
Carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere baby

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I will not forsake
The colors that you bring
The nights you filled with fireworks
They left you with nothing

I am still enchanted
By the light you brought to me
I listen through your ears
Through your eyes I can see

And you are such a fool
To worry like you do
I know it's tough
And you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now
My, oh my

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

I was unconscious, half asleep
The water is warm 'til you discover how deep

I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall
It's a long way down to nothing at all

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if our way should falter
Along the stony pass

And if the night runs over
And if the day won't last
And if your way should falter
Along this stony pass

It's just a moment
This time will pass

we're in the process of planning our annual company meeting. a meeting to be held on the 11th of september at a beautiful winery up in woodside.

love this job. i can't imagine the things that will go down at that event. 80 of my coworkers...drinking and hanging out, for an entire day.

my point? they have decided to make a video on "what it's like to work for entelos". rather amusing. just a few minutes ago i was questioned by the av staff. AV? hahah. sorry. anyway. i had no clue what this was for, at all. i was not allowed to ask any questions, only answer what they asked me.

i made an ass of myself. a complete ass. and now the whole company will laugh at my expense.

excitement! everywhere! you know you're jealous.

i would like to thank the zit gods for gracing my forehead with the nastiest zit EVER. could this come at a worse time?

any remedies for zits? mail me. PLEASE. i have 5 days to get rid of this volcano.

"you make me sick" by pink is a really good song.

i was bumpin it on my way to work today. dancing along, thuggin out. i look over and there are some 16 year olds laughing at me.

busted. TOTALLY busted.

i had this urge to put on bryan adam's greatest hits.

WHY?

i don't know. good god. i am becoming my worst nightmare.

blogger really needs to bring back the spell check button.

i really didn't think this wedding thing was bothering me. but it is.

i hate the fact that i am envious of sara and matt's relationship. i hate the fact that i am envious of all of my friends long term relationships. i have some serious issues. i WANT to be happy for my friends. ok, let me rephrase that. i AM happy for my friends. i just wish that i had that kind of happiness for myself. is that so wrong to ask?

no, it shouldn't be. here's the deal. on a daily basis my mother brings up the fact that i am single and the rest of my friends are not. well, i am SO glad she has been this observant. i mean really, me, single? shut UP. yeah, i am. i thought i was happy to be single. but now, i realize i am not. and it's not that i am eagerly looking for someone, i just want there to be someone waiting for me when i get home from work; or to call me when i am having a stressful day. that's all. nothing more. nothing less. just someone to make me happy on a daily basis. does this person exist? i KNOW i am high maintenance. i know i am a lot to deal with. but i do have a good heart. i just tend to give my heart to the wrong people.

that's enough. for now at least :)

where is my brother when i need him?

eric? are you out there? heh. you probably lost all of your limbs at the gorge.

*if* (and i know you will) you check this, call me on my cell.

word.

yay! i get to hang out with sharon for a bit tonight. WOOOOOOO HOOOOO.

yup, you're jealous. don't try and hide it.

this makes me so sad.

she wasn't brit, or christina. the girl actually had talent. an amazing voice and stellar beauty. i thought i was dreaming when i first heard that she was gone. i can't imagine how her parents are dealing with such a loss. it truly is sad, sad news.

epiphany: a sudden manifestation of the essence or meaning of something.

i think i just had one. weird.

it's times like these i wish i had blogvoices or some other shit where people can comment on what i am saying. DAMNIT.

oh my god. bryan adams, "do i have to say the words" just came on the radio.

i really need a moment.

or 10.

today was the annoying temp's last day.

thank fucking god. seriously, annoying.

now marian is back. i LOVE marian. she is amazingly smart and the nicest woman.

when i first interviewed here the last thing she said to me was "you are an intelligent young woman, shayna. i have faith that you will find a fitting job." it made me feel so good. keep in mind i did not think i would ever get hired for this role. crazy as it might sound, i didn't think i was smart enough for this group of professionals. apparently, i am. which is nice to know. the other girl they were interviewing for this position was much more experienced. and a lot older too. i guess the hired me because they knew i wouldn't ask for as much of a salary as she would :)

and now...silence.

just got my daily call from sara.

notes taken:

-french pedicure
-no bracelets, neclaces or watches
-tiny diamond stud earings

how many days? 6. HOLY shit. six whole days.

i best get cracking on my roast :)

every morning my alarm goes off at 6am. then i hit snooze 2 times and i am out of bed no later than 6:20.

this morning? the alarm didn't go off. why? because stupid ass me forgot to turn it back on last night before i passed out.

i roll over and look at the clock. it's friggin 6:45am. that means i have 30 minutes to get out the door.

now, to the average person; 30 minutes to get dressed and out the door is plenty of time. for this high maintenance princess? it's only about half the time i need to get ready.

-i figure, no shaving of the legs this morning. i can be in and out of the shower in 5 minutes. ok, maybe 7. you have to leave time for the conditioner to work its magic. (usually the shower is at LEAST 15 minutes)

-my hair is naturally curly. it takes at LEAST 20 minutes to dry and style. sometimes more.

-next we move to picking out the outfit of the day. usually not more than a 5 minute task but, you always run the risk of not liking the first thing you try on. with me, i usually try on at least 2 outfits before i am satisfied.

-then we have the "taking vitamins and pounding 20 oz of water". easily 5 minutes. i don't leave my house without that step.

by this point, *if* i have gotten up early enough...it's 7:15. i'm in the car by 7:20; and on my way.

i walked out my door at 7:25. get into my car at 7:31. and zoom out of the garage. keep in mind that the accident in still in my head so, i am trying to drive somewhat cautiously. zoom up the hill to find out that the local high school starts today. so there i am, in a LONG ASS line of fuckers who don't know how to drive. trying to get my way through to the freeway. by now, it's 7:40. there is NO way i am going to be ontime at this point. i call one of the other admins to let her know i will be late, and work my way through the messy traffic.

get onto the freeway. ONE LANE IS CLOSED. whatever. at this point i am so pissed i am about to turn around and call in sick. but i don't. i throw in some n*sync and bop my way through the traffic. roll into the parking lot at 8:10. get to my desk at 8:15. get water. check email. go through faxes. and here i am.

drama queen?

yup!

BLOGGER.

are
you
working?

FINALLY.

i have been trying to log into blogger for almost 2 hours. damn assholes. anyway.

things are peachy:) i had a really good time at the party last night. i was HOT. everyone wanted a piece. heh. for real, yo.

i'm in the process of making a mix for sara and matt. the tracks are TOTALLY cheesy. track one?

"to be with you" by mr. big .

CHEEEEEESY.

word.

who were you on the phone with?

heeeeheeee....

ok. a few things to discuss.

#1: matt nathanson is AMAZING. i had the best time at the show tonight. awesome. i can't even tell you. he had a full band. and ya know what? he is HOT. and i believe he is jewish. i didn't ask, though.

#2 sharon. matt is married. i didn't get to makeout with him.

#3 i need to go to bed. i am way too tired right now. i can't believe it's after 12am. i am SUCH a rebel. for real, yo.

what i wear like church clothes
you wear just like jewelry.

i'm on hold.

again.

this time i am waiting for sharon to get back on the phone.

this time? i get to listen to "sweet child o'mine".

who's jealous NOW. uh huh.

i got my business cards. WOOO HOOO.

they rock. all the sudden i feel speshul.

like when we used to climb the ropes in gym class.

oh wait. that's funny.

fawk.

brit is looking good these days. not so ho-ey. check her out, yo.

i think i am going to start a "voicemail of the week" blog.

lauren left me the funniest message last night. if you know lauren, you'll understand the humor of it.

it went a little something like this :

yo DURVE! it's 11:30 your time. i am really really baked. i wanted to see how my durvey was. it's been a while. don't call me back, it's REALLY late here. maybe you could email me and let me know you are still alive.

keep in mind she is whispering the whole time. i just about peed my pants when i listened this morning.

today is going to suck. i have already prepared myself for a LONG day.

once again, it's friday. friday social? yeah...it's a lunch today. which means my last hour is NOT spend socializing. i really like it when we have our socials at the end of the day. it makes the day seem much shorter.

gina is at a conference.

eric is at the motherfuckin gorge.

all my email buddies are whickity whacked. maybe i should find some new email buddies.

seriously, have you ever noticed how fast the day goes by if you are emailing someone consistantly? it's the bomb diggity.

and now....i must work for a few. don't fear, i will be back soon. VERY soon.

matt nathanson.

nice, cute, bay area boy.

i *think* he may be jewish too.

YUM. i am going to makeout with him tomorrow night. wooo hoooo :)

my hair looks great.

once again, i was nervous for NO reason. i still have the same style. i wanted to keep it longer for the wedding. once the wedding is over with, i think i'll be going short again. because you know, if you've got a cute face; ya might as well show it off.

and *i* have the cutest face in town.

sharon, i suggest you invest in alterna's straightening balm. it is the bomb diggity.

that. was. funny. shit.

GO. go read sharon's blog...she talks about JIZZ. hahaha.

meeka sent me this quote after reading my last post:

there is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own
way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it.

i can't tell you how that made me feel. ew. i am starting to get sappy.

so it's only 4:15.

i am bored to death. sharon has not replied to my last email. i sent it OVER an hour ago. she sucks.

the one thing i dislike about my job, no matter what happens; i have to be here til 5. it really bugs me. i have friends who shall remain nameless, who leave when they feel like it. that's what i loved about my last job. i got to leave when i wanted. here, everything is set. set time to come in, set time to go to lunch, set time to go home.

everything is SET. i hate set-ness. it sucks. BIG time.

with all this time i have, i should blog about the things that are on my mind right now. i just feel like some of the things that i am thinking are far too personal to be discussing on my blog. all these things coming up that are in my head. things i don't discuss with anyone for fear that my actions will be judged. it's so fucking lame. i am a person, i have feelings, and THIS is my blog. what i choose to do is my prerogative . i can't prevent who i like, who i don't like and who i want to be with. these are feelings that are running wildly through my head.

i know what i want and i know i can't have it. so what's the next step?

i move on. set my sites on something else. something that will hopefully make me as happy as i have been the past few weeks.

i like being happy. and giddy. and girly. it makes me who i am. the past few months were incredibly hard for me. getting over the adam thing, losing my job, not being able to find a new job. these are all things that put me in a state of depression. a depression i never knew i was capable of having. i mean, it's me...PATTY POSITIVE. the life of the party, the girl everyone wants to talk to, the girl who is always smiling. i think i am finally back to that point.

i have gotten so much work done today. i forgot what it was like to actually WORK. it feels really good. i think i have actually been productive today.

yay for me!

tonight i am getting my haircut. it's gonna be traumatic but, i REALLY need it. i'll try and get some pictures taken this weekend so everyone can see how sexy i am with my new hairstyle. knowing me, i'll probably just go and get a trim because i am way too chicken to get anything else done.

we shall see, i have been known to do some "out of character" things as of late.

all kinds of things.

too many to list.

attack of the stapler.

good god. my finger is now bleeding. why? because i put the wrong staples in my friggin stapler. THEN i had to try and remove the PHAT ASS staple that was jammed into the bottom of the fucking stapler. as me how long it took me to get the staple out?

25 MINUTES. i kid you not. this is why i am not a doctor.

or a rocket scientist.

on an upspin....i'm going to this really cool party on saturday night. it should make for some interesting stories. i'm going alone. i don't think i have ever gone to a party alone in my entire life. by alone i mean...i only know the chick throwing the party.

ok, hello RANDOM.

i cannot believe the wedding is in 11 days.

seriously, we have been planning this for so long; i never thought it would come.

sara and matt's first dance is going to be to "by your side" by sade. i think that is an excellent choice. i really should get around to blogging about the two of them. i do have some time now. hmmm...

here's the reader's digest version. sara and matt met their senior year of college. i believe that they were set up by a mutual friend. matt cancelled the first date because he was sick. ANYWAY. they end up going out a few times and before i know it, he's there everytime i call.

the guy is amazing. the way he looks at sara is the most precious thing. he insists on kissing her when he's just going to take the trash out. at first i thought it was a little much but, if you knew sara's whole life story; you'd appreciate this whole romance.

it's now 3 years later. they are getting married and i couldn't be happier about it. i know i complain a lot about the logistics of the wedding but, they are going to be SO incredibly happy together. i am so excited for them.

i am having impure thoughts right now.

good lord. if you all only knew the things going on in my head right now.

issues.

MAD issues.

WHY is the bank of america customer service number BUSY?

fockers. total gaylord fockers.

exciting news: i am getting business cards. WOOO HOOO.

mom and dad are gonna be SO proud!

know how to make someone's day?

send them flowers.

:) LOVE ya gm. because you, me and craig...we'z gon get hiiiiiigh. cuz it's friday, and you ain't got no job, and you ain't got shit to do.

lord.

10 minutes till the lunch date.

here's the deal.

i am in the strangest mood today. i have no idea why. i slept well, had a good breakfast and managed to get to work without any accidents this morning.

there are all of these things that are going on in my head. everything from the wedding to boys. the accident to my mother nagging me. i am seriously considering seeking therapy. blogger just isn't cutting it anymore.

"amnesiac" is such a good cd. such.a.good.cd.

SO good.

i thought i was tired, but i am SO awake now. i really hate it when i get a second wind. it blows.

muthafucka.

i just want to go to bed BUT my eyes feel like they are glued open.

i am going to bed. good NIGHT.

being on hold with at&t teleconferencing center is NOT fun. they have the most annoying muzac (or HOWEVER you spell it) EVER. ever. i am now listening to "the girl from imponema" for the third time in a ROW.

yes, i LOVE being on hold. it is my favorite past time. according to oprah. you spend 30% of your life waiting for things. interesting, huh?

no, but there is nothing else to discuss right now.

WOOO HOOO. "smooth". let the fun begin.

meeka loves me.

so does ej :)

today is completely lagging. i keep looking down at the corner of my screen to see if i have new email.

and i DON'T.

come on people! LOVE me.

i finally made an appointment to get my haircut. it's been almost 4 months since it's been cut. FOUR months.

the reason? i only trust carlo to cut my hair. i have finally come to terms with the fact that driving 2 hours to get my hair cut is just not worth it. the solution? i am going to this chick at some pish posh salon that my mom goes to. now, laugh all you want but finding a good hairdresser is hard. even harder if you have curly hair. curly hair that you wear straight.

so yeah, thursday at 7pm...wish me luck please!!

oh, you all should invest in the jill scott cd. it is nothing short of amazing.

oh my god. sharon...you crack my SHIT up.

i just got into my first car accident.

totally rear ended someone while i was trying to get something out of my purse.

what a freaking awesome way to start the day.

one more thing...

i heard jennifer paige's "crush" on the way home from dinner.

i HAD to laugh. and now? the FUCKING song is stuck in my bloody head.

it's just (ah) a little crush (ah)
not like i'm faint, everytime we touch(ah)

HA! i really need to get out more.

a LOT more.

oh SHIT. GM starts her new jobby today :)

good luck beautiful!

"you ain't got to lie craaiig..."

heh. i am watching friday for the 8th time in 5 days.

issues.

MAD issues.

i need about an hour to blog about all of my experiences last weekend. unfortunately, i only have a few minutes so i will have to give you all the "reader's digest" version.

friday night i went out with some old coworkers. got drunk. got shitty. had a blast. we totally instigated this situation with these boys who at first claimed that they were from canada. as the night went on they began to tell us they were from florida. it was VERY interesting.

saturday was shopping with my sister and my mother. i bought a LOT. and i look damn sexy in the outfit i am wearing today.

saturday night...mass chaos. i had the best time. we went to this total meat market kind of bar. total cheese music...total cheese guys. it was a blast. i got drunk off my ass. so silly drunk that i *almost* kissed this one girl. it was INSANITY.

by the time we got back to my sister's friend's house it was almost 4am. my lovely sister did not want to drive home so we ended up crashing at her friends house. blast. it was SO insane. if you want to know what went on, feel free to ask however, since i know i have some coworkers that read this...i will not go into great detail :)

i just walked in the door.

i feel like SHIT and i have the WORST headache ever.

last night was awesome. my sis and i totally tore the town up. you shoulda seen us busting a move. we rocked. HARD. i wish i had a video camera. you shoulda seen the shit we got into last night. it was completely PRICELESS. if you want specific details, feel free to ask.

and ej... "geeeeet yo freak on..."

it's saturday night. it's 9pm.

i am patiently waiting for my sister to make herself beautiful so we can hit the town. seriously, she is the SLOWEST ever. EVER. i am about to scream. i have been waiting since 8 for her sorry ass. heh.

good thing i am not bitter.

today was great. shopping with my sister and my mom. at first i thought it might be a bit rough, but it was actually really nice. i picked up a bunch of new things, and you know i love that.

tonight my sister and i are going to spend some quality time together. i am gonna introduce her to the bong. heh. wish me luck :)

i had SUCH a good time tonight. it's been a while since i have had a girls night out and it was TOTALLY kick ass. we met a group of guys who were up to NO good. heh. it was a blast.

two margaritas, one midori sour, two camikazi's, and a cider. not to mention like 6 bowls...i think i better go to bed.

i did wear the new purple top. (because i know you all were curious.)

ok, off to watch friday. lila tov.

sometimes i really get annoyed with the fact that i have set hours for work. EVERYONE and their mother is gone. except for me and the other admins. so we're chillin. usually on fridays we have a beer bash that starts at 4 but today; we had donuts and crap in the morning so that eliminated the friggin beer.

whatever.

on to more important things.

crush boy at work totally digs me. i am not too sure how i feel about him though. we had lunch together today. the second day in a row. i almost think he is too geeky for me. today at lunch he asked me what i was doing tonight. i have NO plans other than to go home and burn the 50 cd's that are sitting on my floor. so i had to think of something fast. i won't tell you what i said but it was pretty classic. he chuckled. i smirked. then i finished my sandwich, and proceeded to tell him about my plans for tomorrow with my sister.

we're going to the outlets. this is going to be a very dangerous trip. none of my old clothes fit me. all of my pants are HUGE. my boobs have not shrunk as much as i had anticipated so the tops are still ok. i need a pair of black pants and a pair of khaki pants. then i am set. i could also use a new purse. kate just isn't holding. she is almost a year old, i should probably think about replacing her. but those damn bags are SO expensive.

it's only 4:15. i have 45 minutes til i can walk out the door, go home, hang out in the lawn furniture and veg out.

mary lou lord is the SHIT. i totally forgot how good she is.

for those of you who don't know her, she is this female singer from boston who moved to seattle to be with the man she loved. who was married to a psycho woman. the story goes; she had an affair with him, moved to seattle, then he killed himself. know who i am talking about? good.

so go on and pick up, you don't care what poison you choose or what person you lose

it really bothers me when people think that they have a right to intrude in a person's life just because that person is in the public eye.

i don't really want to go into specifics on the issue, all i want to say is this; IT'S NO ONE'S BUSINESS BUT THE PEOPLE DIRECTLY INVOLVED.

it irks me that there are these girls who actually think that they can lure dave matthews away from his wife. they constantly talk shit on her and think that she is completely replaceable. guess what? she isn't. i feel badly for her. on a daily basis she gets criticism for being the wife of a rockstar. someone whom she has been with for over 10 years. she has been there for him through thick and thin. good times and bad. she is an amazing woman. i know that i could never put up with the stuff that she has to deal with on a daily basis. it's truly unfortunate that she is under constant scrutiny. how would you feel if it was you?

i wish that green jujy fruits did not exist. they are a waste of space. and they taste like crap.

top ten reasons why ej is my best friend in the entire world:

10-he makes me laugh
9- he loses his feet at any given time
8- he sends me spindles of cd's when i am broke
7- he sends the best forwards
6- he listens to really good music
5- he gives the LONGEST hugs
4- he is a snazzy dresser
3- he tells me i am beautiful
2- he has a REALLY sexy voice
1- HE IS COMING TO SEE ME.

yup, my buddy eric is coming to visit me. i am SO excited. chaos? yes. loudness? yes. sleeplessness? yes. i am so happy i could scream.

i won't though. i may scare my coworkers.

it's amazing how things can change overnight.

sometimes, i don't understand how i get myself into the situations that i do. i think it's mostly because i think with my heart and not with my head.

it tends to get make me feel incredibly insecure.

my sister is in town until sunday. i am sure this will make for some interesting blogs.

the thing is; she is nosy so, i may have to wait until after she leaves to blog the funny shit. 2 blog-worthy things have already happened. she is SUCH a crackhead.

i got my hash pipe...

hi, my name is shayna cramer and i am addicted to shopping.

i had to go pick up my shoes for the wedding and was lured (is that a word?) into the TBD department at nordstrom.

wanna hear what it looks like? i thought so. its a purple cap sleeved stretchy top. SO cute. i cannot wait to wear it. it looks fabulous with my eyes. i wanted to buy a pair of dark rinsed jeans but, i talked myself out of it. i have SO much willpower.

i had a really rough night last night. i'll probably blog about it more later in the day. be ready; it'll be a long detailed blog :)

today is a very sad day for me. one of my most favorite bands has called it quits.

when i was in high school, my friend stefanie got me hooked on the indigo girls. ever since - we have made it tradition to go and see them everytime they are in town.

the weird thing? ever since stef started studying for dental school, i have seen less of her. our friendship has dwindled and it's very odd. for so long she was a huge part of my life and now; i can't even remember the last time i saw her. interesting how life works sometimes, huh?

on that note, i will leave you with the lyrics of my favorite indigo girls song, "ghost".

there's a letter on the desktop that i dug out of a drawer
the last truce we ever came to from our adolescent war
and i start to feel a fever from the warm air through the screen
you come regular like seasons shadowing my dreams
and the mississippi's mighty but it starts in Minnesota
at a place where you could walk across with five steps down
and i guess that's how you started like a pinprick to my heart
but at this point you rush right through me and i start to drown
and there's not enough room in this world for my pain
signals cross and love gets lost and time passed makes it plain
of all my demon spirits i need you the most
i'm in love with your ghost i'm in love with your ghost
dark and dangerous like a secret that gets whispered in a hush
when i wake the things i dreamt about you last night make me blush
when you kiss me like a lover then you sting me like a viper
i go follow to the river play your memory like the piper
and i feel it like a sickness how this love is killing me
but i'd walk into the fingers of your fire willingly
and dance the edge of sanity i've never been this close
in love with your ghost
unknowing captor you'll never know how much you pierce my spirit but i can't touch you
can you hear it a cry to be free
or i'm forever under lock and key as you pass through me now
i see your face before me i would launch a thousand ships
to bring your heart back to my island as the sand beneath me slips
as i burn up in your presence and i know now how it feels
to be weakened like Achilles with you always at my heels
and my bitter pill to swallow is the silence that i keep
that poisons me i can't swim free the river is too deep
though i'm baptized by your touch i am no worse at most
in love with your ghost

robs; WHAT THE HELL DOES SHIBBY MEAN?

that's all.

i think one of my coworkers has an itsy bitsy crush on me. he constantly walks by my desk and says hi. its cute.

i LOVE getting attention like that. makes me feel special.

i'm special, so special

busy busy morning. things are moving so fast around here. we have a big visit this afternoon from a very big client. i was told i must be on my best behavior. hmm..does that mean i am NOT usually on my best behavior? i am an angel. just ask my mommy.

just don't ask my friends, they have incriminating photos of me.

just don't ask to see them. they RARELY come out.

saddest song ever? "get here" by oleta adams.

there are hills and mountains between us
only something to get over
if i had the way surely you would be closer
i need you closer...

i would like to thank KOIT; lite rock - less talk, for my morning wake up song.

**note to self** remember to change the radio station BEFORE you fall asleep so you do NOT wake up to depressing songs.

ok, the PIC is down, i have just received confirmation from her.

operation find the nosy coworker is in EFFECT. kinda like rex. but there ain't no rumps involved.

today has flown by. it's been busy which is nice.

things are happening here that are somewhat odd though. i can't really go into details because you never know who's reading my blog.

all i can say is that i went on a break and came back to someone on my computer looking at some sites that i check out every once in a while. kinda made me feel a little uneasy. i can't decide whether or not to say something to my boss, i guess i will wait and see if it happens again.

i may have to bust out my PI kit and do some investigating. hmmm...PIC are you down ;)

i should sell this cd. seriously; it is the BOMB.

dedicate her favorite song
and hold her closer all night long
she wants to stay
find one hundred ways.

no joke, "one hundred ways" is my most favorite cheesy love song ever. the next time i make sweet love; i'll have to contemplate using it for mood music :)

listening to the LUV mix.

freak me baby...awww yeah...

this guy i work with was just at my desk and burped. not a little burp; we're talking full fledged belch. it was so nasty. seriously, i sometimes wonder if i am being a prude or if other people are bothered by little things like this as well. i mean really, it is sick. shows no class. sure, when you're drunk it's funny to let out a burp (not that *i* ever would) and be obnoxious about it but really, at work, in a professional enviornment-its just wrong.

just a friendly reminder from the resident polite police.

there is something wrong with my car. when i hit the breaks, my poor baby makes some very unpleasant noises. she's sick, i'm gonna have to take her to the doctor this week. poor thing.

i've been thinking about buying a new car for a while...but what would i get?

despite my lack of blogging; there is a lot going on in my life right now. would you like to hear about them? of course you would.

things that rule:

-all of my clothes being too big
-my sister coming into town on wednesday.
-craaaaaaaig taking me to see bnl on thursday
-"live from the archives vol. 5"
-sleeping most of the weekend away

there are tons more things but nothing that will be as exciting to you as they are to me. so many good things are going on with me right now. i finally feel like i am beginning to get my life together again.

it feels really good :)

big stuff oreo ice cream sandwiches are the DEVIL.

D.E.V.I.L.

when the world ends
we'll be burnin one
when the world ends
we'll be sweet making love....

some of my old blogs are incredibly hilarious.

i would read a few if you get bored.

busy morning. good lord. and i had my first "falling out" at the new jobby. it really wasn't too bad i just felt like someone was acting as if they were "over me". i really dislike that. i mean, we are coworkers; in the same role. different departments. i don't get it.

nothing else has been going on. well, nothing i care to share with all of you. :)

i have obsessive compulsive disorder when it comes to checking my email. every 5 seconds i check my yahoo account. its not that anyone really ever emails me besides sharon; but...good lord. i need some help :)

do they have a recovery program for email addicts?

this is why sharon is my friend. (other than the fact that she corrects my spelling and grammar.)

subject line: i am BORED.

sure wish someone was around to entertain me. shayna.

and now, i am entertaining my friend sharon. because she is the cats pj's. but we'll keep that on the dl, or as gaylord focker would say; on the "ld".

i'm out.

amanDUH.

nice song. really nice song.

just call ME shameless.

this one's for you EJ :)

dead.

hahahahaa. i am SO dead.

i was in such a rush to get out of my house this morning, i threw on one of my shelf bra tank tops. now two things about shelf bra tank tops. number one:my boobs are too big to wear them without a bra so, it basically defeats the purpose of the tank in the first place. number 2: they slide down...meaning..the cfo just walked by and got a nice shot of my cleavage.

i have since buttoned up my cardigan. now i am going to be known as the office whore. famous.

damNATION.

ok, so its 8:35am and i have been up for 4 and a half hours now. i'm actually drinking coffee. i never drink coffee.

on to bigger and better news...i went to pick up my shoes for the wedding last night. they are adorable. open toed 3 inch heels. i am gonna be one sexy bitch. seriously, sara better watch herself because as far as i can tell, i am gonna be the hottest gal there.

ego...ego...ego...

have you ever had one of those phone conversations that you don't want to end?

tonight was the first night i have had one in a very long time.

it was very enjoyable.

and now, i really must go to bed.

goodnight. :)

hey, "ib" just so you know...i can tell when you read my blog.

you really need to get a life.

have you ever read an email that made you blush?

it's NO fun. then having to explain why you are blushing. that's less fun.

i was just reminded of a very funny story.

before heather and i began our road trip to san antonio, she needed an oil change. so we go to the vw dealership to get her nice little beatle an oil change. we're sitting in the lobby of the dealership and watching sally jesse raphael. now, in a normal situation, i would not be watching that kind of crap. but, the theme of this show was a little comical. it was something along the lines of "internet nightmares". ie; girls who have met scary men over the internet.

this was extra comical at the time because heather and myself met over the net. she is one of my closest friends in the world. i mean, we did road trip to san antonio together and have shared many nights in dallas together (no you sicko's not like that).

the two of us can't help but laugh. mainly because sally is going off on how evil people can be. that you should never give your phone number out to anyone you meet off the internet and never give out any personal information to these "internet psychos".

there really is no point to this story. its a rather slow day at work. i apologize in advance for the excessive blogging.

it's really cool when something happens, that you want to happen, but don't expect to happen.

am i making sense?

i have this friend. a very good friend. a friend i thought i would do anything for and he would do anything for me.

here's the situation. my friend moved halfway accross the country to live with his girlfriend. he left his family, his job and all of his friends to persue a relationship with her. being the sap that i am, i think its the greatest thing ever. and incredibly romantic.

moving on...its been 2 years since his big move and a few weeks ago his girlfriend decided that their relationship was over. so there he is, in a town where he has hardly any friends and not one form of support. turns out his ex has been talking to someone else. this other guy? he lives near me. last weekend she came out here to see him and brings him to my house. now, here's the thing. i am friends with her but mostly because she was my friends girlfriend. she didn't ask if she could bring this guy, she just shows up with him; leaving me in a very uncomfortable situation. do i tell my friend what happened? of course, because i know he would do the same for me.

here's where it gets sticky. i tell him what had happened the night before in confidence; knowing his ex will probably not tell him who she was with during her visit out here. say what you will, but i felt he had the right to know.

now, my friend and i share a mutual friend. a friend who knows this "ex-couple" as well. a friend whom i have dated in the past and someone i do not trust. at all. why? because he proves to me time and time again that he cannot be trusted and is known to have a big mouth. what does my friend do? he tells the whole story word for word as it came out of my mouth the night before.

this mutual friend calls me last night and informs me that my friend has used my name to relay the situation. how does this make me feel? like shit. seriously, i feel so let down. i know it may sound immature but i really have no desire to talk to this friend ever again.

we have decided why i am still single. i wish i could remember the conversation word for word. maybe elise and mel will contribute to my blog...we should do a little re-enactment. that would be dope.

my tan has completely faded which means i will have to fake bake to be tan for the wedding. i guess that won't be too bad, i just hate that tanning bed look.

who really reads my blog anyway? there is something i would like to blog about but, the person it entails reads my blog. what if i got a secret blog? would that defeat the purpose of actually having a blog anyway? i mean i should be able to be myself on *my* blog. correct?

gah. i'm torn, kinda like ednaswap. ;)

we're in a room without a door
and i am sure without a doubt
they're gonna wanna know how we got in here
they're gonna wanna know how we plan to get out
we better have a good explanation
for all the things that we had
cuz they are coming for us baby
and they're going to be mad...

i just entered a contest to see diana krall in vancouver. how dope would that be?

i am having another cute day today. seriously, i must drive the men at work mad with my sex appeal. i wonder how they all concentrate with me around? hmm...

so about last night...

at around 7:45, i decided that i would start watching "saving silverman". i only got through the first half hour but, it was pretty damn funny. i won't give anything away but. steve zahn...i LOVE him. seriously, he is HOT. and hilarious. and cute. and...ok i'll stop.

passed out last night at around 8:30. i really need to stop going to bed so early because when i go to sleep at 8:30, i wake up at 4:30. i know that sounds like fun and all but at 4:30am; there is NOTHING to do but lay in bed. i should have gotten up and attempted to work out. should being the operative word. instead, i lay in bed until oh...6:30. because i am L A Z Y.

ginamarie got a new job. i am SO happy for her. seriously, she needed a change and this job is going to be the best thing for her. say godbye to 80's skank and 41 year old goobers, she's movin on...kinda like mya but there ain't no silkk the shocker in the mix.

word.

it's really interesting how things change overnight. oh well...

i came back to get my things
thank you for gettin the door
but i don't feel right walking in no more
you're quiet, i'm cold
i did my crying at home
and i'm numb now before...

i'm on my way
i've got one thing to ask
was it really worth the price you paid
for me never coming back?

why did you mess with forever?
what a long time, to be unkind

damn. those lyrics are hitting me hard today. no analyzation of this song. i think the lyrics say it all.

what a long time, to be unkind....

hey whore...since when does shep get ranking over me?

i love me some john mayer.

my bath was wonderful, thank you for asking. i LOVE baths. the best thing in the world is coming home after work and taking a nice long soak while listening to some john. heaven, i'm in heaven....

so it's 4:40 PDT.

today has been rather successful. i FINALLY got email set up at work. that's the best. now i am just awaiting 5pm so i can go home, take a bath and call my beloved ginamarie.

no alarms and no surprises....silence...

ok, i do not know what got into me earlier.

sometimes i wish i didn't get such dramatic mood swings. i mean, in two hours i have gone from happy>sad, sad>pissed off, pisssed off>happy. get the point? my ex boyfriend once saw a commercial for pmdd and asked me if i had it. i wonder if i do... ;)

issues. that's the word of the day.

MAD issues.

i wonder if people ever learn from mistakes they have made in the past. for instance, my dad cheated on my mom. does that mean he will cheat again?

it really irks me when i see someone i know, whom i consider to be a friend following an old path. they have a history of doing shady things and have stated time and time again that they would never put themselves in a situation like the one which has made them shady in the past. does this make sense?

i have no time in my life for liars, cheats or people who pretend to be your friend and completely "dis" you to other people.

and that's all i have to say about that.

YOU can f**k yourself.

it's week 2 on the job and i am still not set up on email. at first it wasn't bothering me too much but now, i almost feel like i am not a priority, or my position here does not mean enough. is that pathetic? i mean, i am not a systems admin but i don't really think it should take this long to set up one email account. correct? over-reacting? you be the judge.

in other news...its only 9am.

i am actually wearing makeup today. i have no idea what came over me this morning but- i felt the need to look saucy today and well, i DO. damn saucy. if only there were some hot guys to impress here. ;)

yahoo mail isn't letting me access my inbox right now. that is L-A-M-E. i have not checked my email in over 2 days. i hope there's nothing important waiting for me in there. hmph.

happy monday :)

all day. ALL day. and now...all night.

james and justin gave me the best nickname :) it has been suiting me famously.

there are ten thousand things going on in my head right now. i am feeling veryoverwhelmed. is overwhelmed one word or two? hmm..this is definitely something i should look into. for some reason it is very amusing to type. i think that i will type for a few more minutes. have you ever paid attention to the motions your hands make when you type? i haven't however, it is completely holding my attention at the moment.

i love sunday's. LOVE them. i wish i hadn't gotten out of bed this morning. i wish i had just slept..and...shit, i really need to get some. SOON.

september 8th i am going to have a huge party. if you wanna come, you're more then welcome. i have lotsa floor space and good tunes.

i also make some MEAN jello shots.

last night was a blast. sharon and i ended up driving to novato (an hour north) to pick up michael peacock and his friend conner. what cool kids those boys are. we had a blast getting intoxicated with them :)

i'm kind of in this dilema right now. i am still contemplating whether or not to discuss it on my blog for fear of ruining a good friendship. is it? gah. sometimes...

more later...

yay. sharon is coming to hang out.

gooooooooood times.

i'm in the middle of watching "barenaked in america". if you are a fan of barenaked ladies, i would highly suggest you rent this video. it's quite funny.

just beware...there is a bit of nudity in it. i was quite shocked.

and its not cuz i'll be missing you that makes me fall apart
its just that i didn't mean to break, no i didn't mean to break...
no i didn't mean to break youuuuurrrrr heart...

it's lookin like we'll be in florida for new years this year. how dope is that gonna be?

i've already told everyone the first night there we shall celebrate my birthday :) i am so self centered.

i get really frustrated when plans change. i don't know why, its just a really stupid pet peeve that i have. for instance...i have this friend. she's flaked on me once or twice before...nothing major but it kinda hurts. i mean, i know she doesn't do it intentionally but its rather irritating. if you have plans with someone, just because one minor detail of the plans do you flake? i know that i would not. but whatever.

so now, i am plan-less for saturday night. famous.

fucking famous.

my internet boyfriend and i had a very steamy phone call last night.

and now, my navel really is a wonderland ;)

if i hadn't seen john in texas last weekend i would be MAD pissed right now. the thing is, it's relly my fault that he is sick. i mean, no one told him to makeout with me when i was sick or did they? hmmm...

i feel badly for sharon and meeka. they were both totally excited to see him tomorrow night. i feel worse for sharon but i will let her tell her own damn stories. but, really sharon, 15 messages on my voicemail in 3 minutes...it's a little obsessive. ;)

ok, now i am mad. i'm going after scotty and john. anyone else in?

i am now noticing that blogger no longer has spell check. that totally sucks. anyway...

i went to jack in the box for lunch and picked up a chicken fajita pita. it would have been extra good but, i somehow managed to drop half of it on my lap while driving. now my sexy grey khaki's are ruined. fabulous.

ok, i was supposed to be working on putting together press packages for an upcoming event.

SUPPOSED being the operative word. its 11am and i am STILL waiting to begin. i am bored. BORED BORED BORED. anyway..i did find a few things to occupy my time. i have succesfully read every story on shep's blog. thanks for the entertainment, yo:). i think the acid story is quite possibly one of the funniest things i have read in a long time. hmm..if i were nice i would link it but..i am too lazy.

plans for the weekend:
-cleaning the room and laundry tonight
-shopping for a new bedroom set tomorrow
-john mayer tomorrow night(IF he doesn't cancel)
-bbq with some friends from nancies sunday.

sounds like good times, eh?

why did you mess with forever...
such a long time to be unkind

a line in a john mayer song that keeps running through my head. it eats at me. i think recently i have been coming to terms with the fact that adam and i are over- and for good. its been almost 3 months since it really ended but for some reason, it seems more final right now then it ever has. he wants me to call him and wants me to be his friend but i don't really think i am ready for that yet. for some reason i don't think i will be able to do that until i have someone else. is that pathetic?

i search and search for someone to take his place but in reality, i know i am not ready for that. i know i am not ready to put my heart on the line for someone again. i mean really, how many times does my heart have to be broken before i can find that "someone". last night i think i listened to "somebody" by depeche mode 15x in a row. i do want someone. but i think i am in that frame of mind because all of my closest friends do have someone.

and on that note...

i just had lunch with justin and james.

those boys can make me laugh like no other. have you ever had a friend who will say things just for shock value? that's how these guys are. but seriously, if i have to hear about butt plugs or crotchless panties anymore..i may force myself to puke.

i guess that you really have to know them. they're actually two really sweet boys and i consider them to be great friends.

i am so smart. you'll have to ask me what i did. we'll just say i am going to sleep VERY well tonight.

yum matzo ball soup!

day 3 on the job:

-still no email
-sick as a dog
-put together benefits packages

i am so sick. does anyone care? anyone? really. my little internet boyfriend sent me an ecard. it was really sweet. if only i had a real boyfriend.

i had the weirdest dream last night. i dreamt that i went to nyc with a bunch of dmb people. we all got seperated and somehow i ended up in a hotel room with sharon's boyfriend. yeah...so in my dream i made out with sharon's boyfriend. it was weird. hmm...

dream analysis anyone?

musta been the garlic :)