there are no words to describe how i am feeling right now.

for the past two days i had gone back and forth as to whether or not i would actually go to kansas city. last night was insane. i had a huge breakdown and decided to not go. then i had some sense knocked into me and i took off for the airport. waited in line for 20 minutes and completely broke down. i have never been as hysterical or felt so out of control in my life.

knowing how much i was letting john down was the hardest part. i honestly thought that he would break up with me and just end things on the spot. i am so used to guys like that. if you aren't what they want you to be, they move on. last night i was weak. so weak, i almost feel pathetic. i am 24 years old. before september 11th, i got on a plane all the fucking time. i flew to charlottesvolle, i flew to philly, i flew to dallas all the time, flew to la. i had no reservations before. regardless of how safe i know it is to fly now, i just could not get on that plane.

the most amazing thing about the whole thing, is that john is coming here tomorrow.

i don't know or why i was blessed with such an amazing man, but i was taught at a young age to not question fate.