so much to say.

then again, what can i say?

charlie is one of my oldest and dearest friends from high school. we met through our jewish youth group the second week of freshman year. straight from new york, she was incredibly witty, beautiful and probably the smartest person i've ever known. you know the type - when you talk to them, you feel intimidated by their brains. but, for as smart as charlie is, she never made me feel dumb. in fact, she made me feel intelligent.

after high school, she headed east and began her undergrad at brown. even though 3000 miles separated us, we talked, weekly, about the different things we were experiencing. i opted to take a semester off, and work; while she was cramming for exams. no matter how different our lives were, we had this incredible friendship, admiration and respect for each other. the rest of our "college" years were full of numerous phone calls, letters and the end all, be all of gifts - the largest dave matthews poster you could ever find. it hung above my bed for years, just as my jerry mcguire stand up was posted to her wall.

after college, she moved to new york. i was so jealous. she would tell me about the bars that she would go to, and the online service that delivered movies and anything else you wanted. for so long, i wanted to be her. or like her. to be so independent and free spirited. and motivated. the girl had more motivation than one can only aspire to have. i liked to live vicariously through her. going to plays, night clubs and other manhattan hot spots - and being free.

a few years later, she moved back to san francisco. i was so excited to have her so close - and so happy. as much as she loved new york, her heart belonged in san francisco. she'd drag me out to what i thought were extravagant restaurants, and we'd talk and talk and talk for hours.

when i decided to move to kansas city, she was one of the first to know. she was so excited and so supportive. she always told me that i needed to move away from my family to experience life, and become independent. i felt so much support from her, more than i felt from anyone else.

and, in our typical "different lives" friendship, when i called to tell her i was engaged, she told me she had been diagnosed with cancer. she'd never talk about what kind it was - she just said that it wasn't major and that she could over come it. in the past year we talked several times. when i would ask how she was, she'd tell me everything was going so well and give me a brief overview as to what she had been experiencing, never leading on how serious things were. a few weeks before the wedding, we had an incredible conversation. about the wedding, the past, etc. never did i think it would be the last conversation we'd have.

monday evening, i received a call that she had passed earlier that day. it's still so surreal. why didn't she let me know how sick she was? i feel so helpless. twenty six years old. as i've said, such complete opposites yet such an incredible friendship. i would have done anything for her, and vice versa. i keep saying if. if, if, if. nothing will bring her back, i just wish i had the chance to say goodbye. i try to think about the last time we talked. if i told her i loved her or how much she meant to me - but i can't remember. the only thing i remember is her telling me how dramatic i was being about the wedding planning, and that was exactly charlie - putting me in my place, and telling it like it was.

celebrate, we will
cuz life is short, but sweet for certain...