i have been so depressed about my birthday, that i have now made my boyfriend feel guilty about not being able to come out here.

i really didn't mean for that to happen. of course i want him to be here but, i know that it's not financially possible for either of us right now.

these are the things that make it hard to have a long distance relationship. we're trying to save so that we can see each other more often yet, things come up where we want to be together. sacrificing new years eve, so that he can be here for the holiday party. it's really hard. i just wish i could go home every night and say, "hi honey, how was your day?" and have it be face to face, instead of over the phone. i wish that i could reach out in the middle of the night and have him be next to me, instead of open space. i wish that we could fight over who gets the remote control, but we can't.

it's really frustrating. and it hurts so much. have you ever cried so hard that your heart hurts? i have been having that feeling all too frequently as of late. it's sad. i miss him so much, and there's nothing i can really do about it.